"What is a selfish sinner?"
I was posed with this question after writing "I Am."
To some it might seem like an oximoron...afterall, sin is, in and of itself, selfish in nature.
But as I wrote that I was reflecting on myself. More specifically how I've been choosing to spend my free time...sleeping in, watching TV, blogging, conversing on Twitter, etc.
Those choices aren't necessarily sinful.
They are choices I've been consciously making, because they make ME happy.
But, all the while I've been focusing on building relationships, I've been neglecting the most important one. The one I have with God.
My selfish choices have distracted my focus. Time that should be spent growing closer to him. And focusing on HIM not me.
Every Sunday, as I sit in church, singing praises, I feel guilty for neglecting this relationship. And I pray that I will do better in the coming week.
But days pass, and another week comes and goes. And the results are the same. And it leaves me thinking of one of my favorite songs, Stained Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns:
Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small
Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they’ll soon discover
That I don’t belong
So I tuck it all away, like everything’s okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I’ll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them
Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade
I'm hoping that by admitting to myself that I'm a selfish sinner, it will help set me back on the right path.